Realignment
I'm in the midst of a chiropractic realignment of my soul. Someone I admire once told me that sickness is a physical manifestation of an emotional state. I realized 8 weeks into being sick that I've been experiencing some serious emotional turbulence. I feel like I don't know who I am. I love being a wife. I love being a Mom. I love the work I do. Having, wanting and loving these things makes me a woman trying to have it all. Anyone remember my pre-child speech about how women can't have it all?
Even saying I'm a woman trying to have it all makes me squirm uncomfortably in my seat. Working outside the home and raising a child inevitably requires sacrifice. (Now I'm really squirming.) Problem is, I don't do compromise. I can't even really say I don't do compromise well. I don't do compromise. I can't manage the emotional discomfort that comes from feeling as though something in my life isn't being done well or that something important to me isn't being done at all.
When I started to get sick, which I think I've pinned down to sometime in mid-late April, I started having this feeling of being overwhelmed by the world. EVERYTHING was making me tired. I started trying to outsource my life. I got people to help me cook. I got people to help me clean. I started ordering food online for Alexa. And I got more sick. The harder I tried to downsize my own personal responsibilities in my daily life, the sicker I got.
Lately, I can't escape this idea that it is extremely weird how our culture centers around the idea that we should spend the least amount of time on those things that are most critical to our survival. It is odd for most families to make it through the week without eating some sort of fast food or frozen meal. I don't know any adult who gets the recommended amount of sleep a night. I've read several articles that claim we are a chronically dehydrated (and thus cranky) nation.
I've come to understand that the physical manifestation of my sickness stemmed from poor quality food, too little sleep and not enough water. You probably won't believe it when I tell you that I ate fast food three times a day for a week not too long before I finally went to the doctor. It's true. And before I was eating fast food three times a day I was eating it twice a day.
Knowing that my sickness stemmed from a simple lack of self care isn't enough. Knowledge without action is worthless. So, over the past three weeks as I've started feeling better I've started cooking again. I'm sticking to a firm bedtime and working on getting up at the same time each day. I'm focusing on the health and wellness of my family and working on romancing the ordinary rituals of daily life. Gradually, life is feeling less overwhelming and more fulfilling.
Where my self-image gets a little stuck is trying to fit this new (and indisputably necessary for my health) life into a file folder in my head. I'm a Mom whose trying to live a life that has the bounty of a working mom and the quality of a stay-at-home mom. I am taking my own swing in the long line of women's libbers of trying to have it all. It begs the question, am I trying to be perfect or am I finally being realistic?
posted by Miss Dior @ 7:48 PM
4 Comments:
Too many of us want to be perfectionists. I think that nobody actually has it all without losing a portion of herself. Some of us (and I'm one, just ask my husband) cannot live as a well person 7 days a week without adequate rest, sleep, balanced nutrition, and a focused exercise plan...and still maintain a challenging, exciting public life or career...while still giving appropriate attention to a family, especially a family comprised of one or more children. (Maybe 2 adults can do this, but I'm not even sure about that.) Before I retired, people referred to me as "Super Woman." How I hated that misnomer because I knew I was just a big hypocrite. Truth was, I was sick more often than I was well. My weekends, more times that I'd like to admit, instead of being fun, were generally spent curled up in bed (by myself) while my dear husband waited on me hand and foot. How lucky I am to have someone this time around who loves to take care of and nurture others.
When small children are around, a woman pushes herself to play like she's "well" 100% of the time so she has the oomph to take care of them. But as she gets more and more run down, she risks losing out on the whole enjoyment of motherhood. As you get older, you find that your finest memories...and the ones that you begin to repeat ad nauseum to others...are about what the kids said and did when they were mere babies and little kids. You really don't look back and brag about your job or jobs, your trophies or the times you showed up in the newspaper being honored for this or that.(I'm still proud of it, though, don't get me wrong!) That stuff doesn't mean a whole lot after awhile, not compared to the absolute joy of raising a child to healthy adulthood. Nothing compares to hat! My kids may have seen me on TV a couple of times (sometimes as the host) but they've probably forgotten all about that. They probably do remember how I treated people and loved to help the
downtrodden..."What? You don't get paid for doing that?" "Not me! When I grow up, I'm going to do whatever pays the most!" "What? One income?" But then they grew up. I wish I could have been there the first time they shocked themselves upon finding out that the satisfaction in reaching out to someone who has less than you, maybe even your own child... who has less strength, less power, less knowledge than you...is what God puts us here for --with these good brains and talents that we've been blessed with.
Still, I suffered from lost identity when I no longer saw my name on a check. I still hate doing a half-baked job with anything. So I end up half-killing myself until I excel all over the place, but end up stressed out and flat on my back when I'm supposed to be having fun. I don't know why it is, but i think that with some of us (my asthma situation puts me in the 'no immune system' category)it would probably be stressful enough to do one or two things well, not seven or eight. As you get older, people probably expect less out of you...perhaps I'll slow down a little then...but I doubt it. I'll just have to let you know.
There is no one answer or picture of "having it all". That's for each person to paint for themselves. Motherhood is difficult. It takes the vision of who we are and splits us right down the middle of our hearts. And because there is no "right" answer, we just have to do our best, every day...and decide every day what the word best might mean.
I think you can never go wrong with taking care of yourself and your family with sleep, water, and good food. I find those things to be centering and rest can flow from a happy and healthy home. I'm so glad to hear you are feeling better. I've been worried about you.
Dinner soon...I'll email.
Lori
http://down---to---earth.blogspot.com/2009/09/give-more-expect-less.html
Please take the time to read this post. Maybe it will help you understand what is important.
Love
Momma Deana
You are on such an important journey and I know it's not an easy one. I'm proud of you and am excited for what's ahead!
xoxo
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