Not That Girl

I'm not one of those girls that has a hard time drawing boundaries or saying no. I pride myself on my ability to handle stress and complete an insurmountable amount of tasks in record time. I am known for my ability to handle difficult situations with a unique combination of analytical detachment and heartfelt dedication. These abilities allow me to keep a glossy, capable facade, but really, it hides a dreadful disease. A disease lurking deep within my body, springing from the core cellular structure and resonating in my soul. It's a dual diagnosis disorder called perfectionism combined with some serious control freak tendencies. Although I don't fall prey to the highly female pushover disorder, my perfectionism MORE than makes up for it.

I knew this would be the biggest issue I would face when Picard and I had a child. No, I'm not trying to make her perfect. I'm not giving her Olympic style exercises to speed her crawling ability or reciting the ABC's on endless loop so she knows them by one year old. No, she's absolutely perfect just the way she is. My problem is that I want to be the perfect Mom and perfect wife. I can't believe the crushing weight I feel from these new responsibilities and the performance benchmarks I have assigned myself to meet.

It is so important to me to be able to be present with Alexa every day, keep the laundry clean, pay our bills, clean the house, do my consulting work, cook a healthy dinner each night and have time to spend with my darling Picard. That's not too tough of a list if you ever let anyone else help you, but I also am handling 95% of the night feedings and volunteered to drive Alexa home by myself for her family baby shower. (It's a three hour drive each way and the first long trip I've taken with her.) So today the crushing fatigue finally hit me. And when I wasn't able to get caught up on my chores during the day after being gone all weekend, that hit me even harder.

I know recovery from this disorder will be a long road for me, but I took a huge step today. When Picard got home from work I handed him the baby and put a crappy frozen pizza in the oven. He's been watching the wee one while I get caught up on bills, e-mails and blogging. This is the first night I've really let him care for her without giving him feeding advice (well, except once when I knew Alexa was crying because she wasn't done eating), snuggling advice or just plain stepped back in five minutes after handing her to him.

It's painfully difficult to miss even one smile, breath or movement of this precious girl we've been blessed to raise. But I know that having a sane and happy Mom is way more important than having one that is looking at you every second of every day. So, I'll accept my misgivings and work on asking for help when I need it. I'm working hard to be that girl.

I can't bring myself to miss a minute of this precious girl's life. She changes so much every day. You can see how Alexa is gaining weight, has more definition in her face and is more alert in this picture.

Alexa is now big enough to sit comfortably in her bouncy seat and has taken interest in the little side ladybug that looks upon her.

Alexa, Cole and Ali from left to right. Cole is the son of my brother and Ali is my sister's daughter. This was Alexa's first time meeting her cousins!